


The Voyage

by 1Strategy_Renee1



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen, Welcome to Sanditon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24843829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Strategy_Renee1/pseuds/1Strategy_Renee1
Summary: Was Eliza really the woman Sidney yearned a decade for or was there another woman who held his heart?
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker, Eliza Campion/Sidney Parker, Lord Babington/Sidney Parker, Sidney Parker/Tom Parker
Comments: 37
Kudos: 83





	1. A New Start

**Author's Note:**

> I tend to think that Sidney Parker has a great deal of common sense and wouldn’t spend years yearning for a woman from his youth that appears as superficial as Eliza Campion. This is just a bit of fun to explore the notion of another woman—but honestly, it got a lot darker and much crueler than originally intended. Wanted to warn since it's not like my first story (think I may try something a little lighter next 😊)

_My Dearest Lillian,_  
_I believe this may be my last letter. It’s unfathomable to me how I can write these words to you my love, but it is time. You see, tonight I intend to make my heart known to Miss Heywood._

  
Sidney leaned back in his chair and rubbed his forehead. The emotion of the day had taken its toll. He could never have imagined what inviting Eliza to the regatta would stir and the journey his heart would take in a single day.

As he closed the door of Eliza’s carriage an hour earlier, he could not comprehend why he ever held any thoughts of her all those years ago. He didn’t wait to watch her and her party depart, determined instead to focus all attention on making an amends with Miss Heywood. He needed to clear his mind and made his way to the cove for his second swim of the day.

  
Laying his clothes on the rocks, he remembered how Miss Heywood, Charlotte, had found him there weeks earlier and how fun it had been to tease her and how her retort brought him even more pleasure. It had been years since he felt that energized yet easy exchange with a woman. He so hoped the damage he inflicted was not irreparable.

  
He stood on the shore, staring at the gray sea as it shifted in his mind to the blue waters and soft sand of the Caribbean. He thought of her laughter as she ran into the waves daring him to follow the trail of her discarded clothing. He dove into the chilling waters, quickly erasing those images from his mind.

  
As the sun set, Sidney dressed quickly and returned to the Crowne Hotel to collect himself and plan his words before he saw Charlotte—he had already hurt her and had no intention of ever doing that again. Sidney knew that he must say goodbye to the past and focus now on his future. He sat at his desk and cut a fresh piece of paper, dipped the quill and began writing. He had no trouble putting Eliza from his mind, but he wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to Lillian, and after only a few lines he let the quill fall onto the desk, marking the paper.

  
He closed his eyes and was transported back nearly a decade to the deck of the Godfry. She was as he always pictured her… at the bow of the ship, smiling at him, her raven curls blowing in the wind. Everyone thought it was Georgina’s father, but it was Lillian that had truly resuscitated his heart and saved his life in Antigua.

  
*****  
“My old friend, you are utterly destroying my social life with your leaving,” Lord Babington said, slapping Sidney’s back as be began to pour their third bottle of port. “Who will I galivant about with now? I fear you’re pushing me right into the arms of that drunk Mr. Crowe.” Babington desperately wanted to see some smile from Sidney as they clinked glasses, but he had seen none in nearly a year.

  
At first, he had disagreed with Tom about sending Sidney away but had come to realize it may be the only way to save his life. Eliza’s broken engagement had utterly destroyed him and neither he nor Tom could pull him from the depths of self-loathing that he had attained. The gambling, the fights—Sidney was on the verge of destroying not only himself but the Parker name.

  
“I must say, I’ll definitely have more luck with the ladies with you out of the way. The ladies of Antigua don’t know what’s about to hit them,” Babington realized just how asinine his comment was as Sidney emptied his glass and poured another.

  
“My dear friend, I do hope you find peace,” Babington said soberly. “We are young men and lord knows you are the better of both of us. Please don’t let this destroy you.” Sidney looked at him gravely then gave him a slight smile, downing another drink.

  
*****  
Sidney’s head was spinning as he fastened his waistcoat. He should have left with Babington, but instead, he finished another bottle before stumbling home. His ship departed in just over an hour and Tom would surely knock soon to gather him up having loaded his belonging on the Godfry the night before. He looked around the room, checking for any mislaid belongings. “What does it matter,” he mumbled to himself, running his fingers through his dark locks. Then, panicked, he felt his pockets, searching. Yes, he still had it—the locket Eliza had given him with one of her golden curls inside. He kissed it and placed it safely in his breast pocket close to his heart.

  
He and Tom sat speechless in the carriage. Sidney knew he was indebted to Tom and marked there and then to repay him quickly, vowing to never owe anyone again. Arriving at the port, they embraced quickly. “I’m sorry Tom,” Sidney choked backed tears. “I’m sorry for everything.”

  
Tom took Sidney by the shoulders. “I am sorry too, brother.” Tom had already spent all his good humor and exuberance getting Sidney to this point and had no words of encouragement left. They held their gaze for a moment and Sidney turned to board the ship.

  
His cabin was sparse, a bed, a wardrobe and a small table and chair. At least there was a porthole. He knew his was one of the better cabins and couldn’t imagine how others could last six weeks in anything smaller. He looked around at his trunks and crates. They could wait. He laid down on the bed, tightening his coat around him and fell quickly to sleep.

  
*****  
“Mother,” he said softly, still in half sleep…

  
_Here’s to the brave boy who chooses his way, here’s to the brave boy who never lets himself stray, here’s to the brave boy who seeks to understand for that is a brave boy who will be the best gentleman._

  
He opened his eyes, the room dark. The song from his youth continued…

  
_Truth be told, gentlemen are few and far, led by passions of old and it will take a very brave boy to become a true gentleman…_

He thought himself crazy, was this song only in his head, or was he really hearing it? He started to trace the sound and he moved his trunks to access the wardrobe. He opened the door, the voice becoming much clearer. He could see light coming through the back corner and peered through the crack.

  
The songstress had her back to him, dressed only in her nightdress, her dark black hair in a long braid down her back. She sang as she unpacked her trunks as best she could in the confined space. She had an armful of books and placed two on her bed by the pillows. Still a bit woozy from his late night, Sidney stumbled and his hands slid down the inside wall to brace himself. He could feel the hinges—it wasn’t just a crack but a secret panel into her cabin.

  
Her song stopped abruptly at the sound and she turned quickly, dropping the rest of the books. Sidney’s eyes widened; she was lovely. It was fleeting thought but did mark that he hadn’t considered that of anyone in a very long time. He had no time to fully take her in, as she began to walk close to inspect the wall. Sidney held his breath, feeling as if her brown eyes had already spotted him. He worked to quickly compose his excuse and his introduction.

  
A knock at her cabin door allowed him a breath as she turned and donned her robe. Tightly grasping the collar closed, she stood as a key clicked and the door opened. A stern-looking woman leaned in. Sidney strained to hear her words but was not able and decided to make his escape. He quietly closed the wardrobe door and stood in the dark room, his eyes adjusting to seek out the lamp. As he started to make his way to it, he stumbled over a trunk and fell onto the bed. He decided to give up and even though hungry, determined sleep was the safest plan for the night.


	2. Sea Legs

Sidney awoke at first light, ravenous and ready for a wash and hearty meal. Stepping out of his cabin he made his way up to the deck and the brisk sea air filled his lungs. He closed his eyes, stretched his arms above his head and let out a satisfying moan. “Six weeks minus one day,” he thought. He opened his eyes and there she was—his canary from the next cabin. She stood at the bow railing, her curly raven hair lashing about her heart-shaped face. “Good morning,” she said, smiling.

Sidney adjusted his coat and bowed slightly. “My apologies, I thought myself alone.”

“It’s quite alright,” she said, still smiling. “For many, I understand rest is often very peaceful on the rocking seas.”

“Yes, indeed,” he said, joining her at the railing. “But not for you?”

“No,” she shook her head, “but I’ve never been much for sleep.”

“Mr. Parker,” he introduced himself, suddenly realizing that even though the sun had begun to show itself, it was still quite dark out for a lady to be alone. She appeared to be his age and didn’t know if he was breaking any important rules of etiquette with an unchaperoned introduction.

“Miss Thompson,” she replied. “Is this your first voyage to Antigua, Mr. Parker?”

“Yes. First voyage anywhere to be honest,” Sidney said looking at the dark Atlantic, no land in sight. He stood next to her at the railing, keeping his eyes on the water he asked, “Is this your first trip as well Miss Thompson?”

“I’ve been once before,” she smiled briefly and surveyed the ocean as well. “When we get close, when we get to the Caribbean, you will not believe how beautiful the water will be. It’s the most amazing blue—it’s nothing like anything you’ve ever seen—not even the sky is that blue on the most magnificent spring day. The water sparkles and is so clear you can nearly see the sand at the bottom. It takes all restraint not to give in and plunge your entire body in,” she said, her voice clearly wishing to be there.

“I look forward to seeing it,” Sidney kept his gaze on the ocean, imagining how it might feel to dive in even now. They stood in silence for many minutes, both looking out over the ocean.

“It was nice to meet you, Mr. Parker, I hope you have a peaceful voyage,” she turned and departed.

“Yes, you as well Miss Thompson,” he shifted his gaze from the ocean to watch her walk away, suddenly embarrassed that he had so quickly dropped the conversation. “Not very gentlemanly,” he thought.

*****

After a hearty meal of bread, sausage and eggs, Sidney returned to his room and washed as best he could using his small washbasin and began the chore of unpacking. 

Tom’s new wife Mary had generously provided a small crate of books for the long voyage, philosophy, some poetry, and a few novels. Sidney chuckled as he picked up the well-worn copy of Mary Wollstonecraft’s _A Vindication of the Rights of Woman_. “Tom certainly had a woman of fire on his hands,” he smiled to himself. She also included writing materials with a note, urging him to send letters often.

Sidney found Babington’s gift much more practical—two cases of fine port from his father’s private collection. If he rationed, it should see him through to the end of his voyage—again, he thought, if he rationed. Babington also included a chessboard. Sidney hadn’t played in over a year and picked up one of the black knights, remembering how as a boy that was his favorite piece.

It was not yet midmorning and Sidney was already bored. He began to consider opening one of the bottles when he again heard her voice. She wasn’t singing, it was more like humming. It was light and calming. He opened the wardrobe door and moved his clothing to the side. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes enjoying the pure simplicity of the moment.

His memory lingered to a favorite time—his picnic with Eliza. It was a magnificent summer day. She wore a beautiful white ribbon on her bonnet and he remembered the sun on his face and how he sang softly to her as they walked. He wanted so desperately to steal a kiss but her chaperone was never fewer than 15 paces behind. He loved that the ground was still slightly damp from a morning shower and how it felt to lay on the blanket looking up at the clouds. He had so meticulously planned that outing for weeks so desperate for Eliza to have a good time. It was one of his most cherished remembrances. He abruptly opened his eyes—recalling, she didn’t like sitting on the ground.

Miss Thompson’s room had become quiet and Sidney peered through the crack to see her sitting at her small desk reading. She played with her hair, twirling it between her fingers until she needed to turn the page. He realized he had watched her now for nearly a quarter of an hour and closed his eyes, embarrassed again at his behavior. He heard a knock at her door and the key turn.

“Miss Thompson, it’s time to take some air,” said the same woman he had seen the night before. She appeared to be perhaps fifty or so in age and her black dress looked something like a mourning gown; her grayish-black hair pulled back tightly from her face.

He watched as Miss Thompson’s eyes widened happily. “Yes. Thank you,” she said as she reached for her shawl.

The older woman grabbed her right hand – “You just mind the rules, understand.”

“Understood,” Miss Thompson whispered, as the woman released her hand and led her out the cabin door.

Sidney watched as they left, wondering what their relationship was. He decided to find out by taking some air himself and grabbed his cane and hat.

It seemed as if several of the passengers had the same idea. Couples mulled around, some gentleman smoking near the stairs. He scanned the deck and found her standing where she was this morning, looking wistfully out at the ocean. “Good afternoon Miss Thompson,” he said, bowing slightly. “Lovely to see you again.”

“Mr. Parker,” her eyes seemed to look past him. “Wonderful to see you as well. Have you had a good day? Are you all settled in?”

“Yes, yes. Although there is not much room to settle into,” he said, smiling. “You’ll have to tell me the secret of surviving six weeks on this boat.”

“Ship. Always call it a ship, never a boat. They do not like to hear passengers call it a boat,” she smiled.

“You know, your description of the waters in the Caribbean has me very anxious to see them. On what occasion did you travel,” he asked, attempting to be more of a gentleman than he felt he had been that morning.

“It was to see my dear godfather after my parents died. I was just twelve but still remember the smell of the flowers on that visit,” she smiled weakly. “If it wasn’t for my uncle in London, I could have lived there,” she said wistfully as if speaking to herself and not to Sidney.

“I’m sorry,” Sidney removed his hat, “I’m sorry about your parents. Mine have been gone two years now,” images of their funeral filled his mind and the cries of Arthur and Diana crashed in his ears and he winced.

“My condolences,” she said, again her eyes scanning the crowd. “I’m sorry Mr. Parker, it’s been lovely to see you again, but I must bid you farewell.”

“Who do we have here,” said the woman who had escorted Miss Thompson from her room. “You seemed to have made an acquaintance when only a minute out of my sight,” she said curtly.

Sidney was about to start, but Miss Thompson spoke first, “This is Mr. Parker. He just now introduced himself to me,” she gave him a quick glance. “Mr. Parker, this is my…governess Mrs. Worth.”

Sidney was about to begin with the normal pleasantries but was again interrupted, “I was just explaining that we are about to retire and thanked him for the kind introduction. Thank you again, Mr. Parker, we must be going.” She smiled and turned to leave.

“Thank you, Miss Thompson. And Mrs. Worth,” Sidney said, catching the older woman’s eye, “I hope I have the pleasure to speak with you again.”

His courtesy was not reciprocated and he watched as they walked to the stairs, Mrs. Worth again grabbed Miss Thompson’s hand. “Very strange,” he said softly to himself.

He leaned his back against the railing, surveying the rest of the passengers. Perhaps he’d find a chess partner among the group. His eyes settled on a couple that looked to be near his age. They stood close and the man stole kisses when he thought no one was looking. “Newly married,” Sidney thought as the sun reflected off the man’s gold band. He would have been a married man himself by now, if only he hadn’t lost Eliza. “Stupid Sidney. Stupid,” he muttered to himself. Feelings of self-loathing returned and he thought it best to return to his cabin and try some of Babington’s port.

*****

A quarter of a bottle in, he shifted his thoughts to Miss Thompson, curious as to what she was doing now. It was very quiet. He approached the wardrobe and stopped. “No,” he thought—telling himself that gentlemen do not spy on women. But then he could hear voices and opened the wardrobe door, leaning his head near the crack in the panel.

She was standing at the center of the room holding a book. “I learn in the letter that Don Pedro of Arragon comes this night to Messina.” She shifted her stance and lowered her voice, “He is very near by this: he was not three leagues when I left him…”

“Was she really acting out Shakespeare, with voices?!” he laughed to himself. He walked out of the wardrobe and poured himself another glass and returned, sitting down with his back to the wall. He listened to her for a good two hours before the port and the sea air took its toll and he fell asleep.


	3. All the world’s…

Over the next two weeks, he had the pleasure of listening to everything from the entire works of Shakespeare and Samuel Johnson, to _Comédie-Française_ , in French. It became their afternoon ritual, albeit she was unaware of her hidden audience.

She was funny and talented and when he would allow himself to spy upon her, he realized his first impression was correct—she was rather lovely. She was the same height as Eliza, but while Eliza had the appearance of an ethereal angel, Miss Thompson’s complexion, her hair, her eyes, had a more earthy appeal. There was something much more real about her, something very soft and pleasing. And the curve of her full lips had him mesmerized as she spoke. He fought the boyish urge to regard her when indisposed. He felt he had intruded enough.

He often wondered how someone could take so much pleasure in such solitary diversions. He anxiously waited for when she’d go off-script, creating new lines or adding stinging commentary to what she was reading. Sometimes Sidney would think of the plays he and Eliza attended—she was so beautiful everyone watched them as they took their seats. He’d watch her fan herself as she leaned into endless conversations with those sharing their box—the talk of fashion, the gossip and the parties the beau monde would attend. They really never did speak about the plays.

He had tried several times to talk with Miss Thompson in the afternoon when on deck, but her governess quickly shepherded her away upon his approach. And for many days now, he had not even seen her leave her room. His attempts to meet her in the early morning as he did that first day were typically thwarted by too much port the night before. But not tomorrow. He wanted to meet her again, wanted to talk with her now that he had seen her how she really was, without any societal pretense. That night he put away the port and went to bed early, and for the first time, he didn’t drift to sleep thinking of Eliza. He thought only of Miss Thompson’s lips.

*****

Through the small window, Sidney spied the slightest light. He first thought it was the moon, but realized it was the nearing of dawn. In the dark, he quickly found his clothing that he’d left on the chair the night before. He raced from his room to the deck. It was not yet light enough to clearly see and he examined all of the shadows in hopes of finding her. No one. “How silly,” he thought to himself that she’d be out here again so early. He placed his arms on the rail and leaned over, watching as the sky began to slowly change colors.

From the corner of his eye he saw movement and he stepped into the shadows. It was her. She was wrapped in her black cloak, her hair wild in the wind. She stepped close to him without noticing his presence and grasped the railing so that she could lean back, stretching her body. She arched her back and lifted her face to the sky, her eyes closed, then she inhaled deeply. Her cloak had fallen off her shoulders, revealing she was only in her nightdress. His eyes lingered on the curve of her neck and followed the beautiful line down to her breasts, the chill of the morning causing her nipples to press against the thin fabric.

Sidney was distracted by a movement from the stern and knew he must alert her to another’s presence.

He cleared his throat. Startled she stepped back, picking up the cloak and wrapping it around her. “Mr. Parker, I did not see you there.

“Miss Thompson,” Sidney said quickly, “good morning.”

“Good morning. I hope you are well,” she said, composing herself quickly and keeping her voice quiet.

“Yes, very well,” he needed to come up with something. He didn’t want her to disappear again, even if this was a somewhat uncomfortable situation for them both. “I’m happy to run into you today. I was hoping we could continue our conversation about the Caribbean, but it seems our schedules rarely align even on such a small boat, I mean ship, of course,” he said smiling.

“Well you know how busy things get in a ship,” she smiled softly tightening the cloak around her.

“Of course, much to see and do here. I myself have taken to riding, have you seen the polo grounds on the lower deck,” he knew it was a stupid joke when he said it, but it was the best he could quickly muster, the images of her outstretched body so fresh in his mind.

“I haven’t had the pleasure yet to get in a ride, but I’ve heard they are some of the best stables,” she smiled trying to continue the silly joke.

They stood quietly together. The sun began to rise behind her and Sidney noticed a pink ribbon in her hair that was unsuccessful in securing her locks and was being tossed about in the wind. Sidney searched unsuccessfully for something to say afraid any word from his mouth would reveal how well he truly knew her.

She turned, “I’m must go, you know, much to see and do.”

He followed her closely behind. “Miss Thompson, please wait, can you not spare another minute? I’d love to hear about your first visit to the Caribbean.”

“Another time, I promise,” and she quickly disappeared down the stairs.

Sidney stood on the deck for a long while and watched the sun rise, illuminating the dark waters. He was mesmerized by the rise and fall of the waves and they transported him beyond his confused thoughts of Miss Thompson back to the lake near Eliza’s home. He had paced up and back on that shore rehearsing his proposal the entire afternoon that day. He replayed that proposal in his head over and over for nearly an hour, remembering how she smiled and how he felt so scared and invincible all at once. The sun warmed his face and he was stirred from his long reverie by the appearance of Mrs. Worth who emerged on deck with a man, perhaps her husband he thought.

He realized he was allowing himself to get too lost in his thoughts of Eliza and decided to head to the dining area to fill up on breakfast.

He lingered a while at the table, watching other passengers come and go—making no connections. “What to do today,” he uttered to himself. His thoughts returned to Miss Thompson and mused how she seemed to have no problem filling her days—"quite an imagination” he smiled. He thought she must be alone quite a bit to be able to be so self-contained.

Sidney had never spent much time alone until after Eliza. His entire childhood until he was a young man was full of people – he was surrounded by countless friends, society and occasionally his siblings. He had never learned to be on his own and clearly had failed miserably this last year. He thought of this a long while—wondering if he would ever be strong enough to truly be successful alone.

Boredom began to sink in and his mind went to the drink. “Snap out of it, man!” he said aloud to himself. Suddenly he thought perhaps today he would do something that might entertain Miss Thompson. He bound up from the table eager to return to his cabin to sort through Mary’s crate. He quickly found a copy of _Gulliver’s Travels_ and thought it an appropriate work to read aloud. While not a play, there were definitely enough characters to be had. He opened the wardrobe door to ensure his voice would reach her and stepped back from what saw, confused but happy.


	4. Checkmate

He gently picked up the pink ribbon from the wardrobe floor. It was the one from her hair just a couple hours earlier—he was sure of it. He stepped into the wardrobe and spied through the crack, she was at her desk and appeared to be writing. She was dressed now and her hair was pinned up lightly, soft curls caressing her neck.

He stepped back quietly and closed the door. He located the writing materials from Mary and began…

_Miss Thompson,_

_Apparently, something of yours has wandered out of your room and made its way into mine. I would like to return it to you if you can identify it._

_Sincerely,_

_Mr. Sidney Parker_

_P.S. Do you play chess?_

Sidney hesitated to write his Christian name but felt so close to her now after listening to her for weeks. He sealed the paper and walked to the wardrobe. Checking to ensure she was still alone; he slid his letter under the door. He watched and waited for her to notice the letter. As soon as she did, he quickly exited and closed the wardrobe to await her reply.

He sat on the bed, checking his watch every few minutes awaiting a response and pondering his endless questions… _Had she been coming through that wardrobe every morning while he slept? Why? None of the cabins have locks on their doors. Why does hers?..._

Twenty minutes passed and there was no response. He started to wonder if he had made a horrible mistake with his letter—he had a closeness to her that she did not have with him. Then his mind turned and he realized things may be much more complicated than he imagined and he had no real desire to become entangled in anything that required any real thought. His head full of doubt, he reached for one of Babington’s fine bottles.

Before he could break the seal, he heard a soft knock from the wardrobe door.

He looked around–searching out his jacket. Why he felt the need to be so formal after what he saw of her this morning, he did not understand but he slipped it on quickly and opened the door. She stood on the other side, her face flushed, her hands clasped behind her back.

“Mr. Parker, please allow me to apologize,” she began speaking softly. “I meant no disrespect, I just...”

“You just needed a way out of your locked room and thought you’d trespass through mine, is that right?” asked Sidney trying to be funny, but realizing it came off as rude and scolding.

She put her hands to her sides and her tone changed. “How did you know my door was locked?” she stared at him waiting for an answer.

He realized he slipped already and revealed he had watched her. He was speechless—she had him on his heels, not a position with which he was often familiar. All he could think to do was hand over her ribbon, which she took readily.

She continued to challenge him with her eyes, then broke the silence. “Well, if you slide your clothes over you could set up a small table between the rooms. Go get your chessboard,” she said, turning and pulling her desk chair to the back of the wardrobe.

He quickly moved the small table and set up the board.

*****

They were silent throughout their first match, only Sidney’s “checkmate” could be heard.

It wasn’t until the second match when they spoke—their eyes fixed on the board.

“I know it all must seem very queer and I’m sorry to have violated your privacy,” she said as she stole another of his pawns.

“Why are you locked in?” he said, moving his bishop.

“Just an overprotective governess,” she responded quickly, examining his last move.

“When did you find the secret door,” he asked.

“The first day—same as I believe you did when you clanked about,” she said flatly.

They were quiet for a while and Sidney lifted his eyes to watch her as she curled her hair around her fingers, plotting her next move. He was fascinated with the curls at the base of her neck. They looked very soft and wondered what they’d feel like to touch.

“It’s your move, Mr. Parker,” she said while still looking at the board, making him aware that he had looked at her for far too long.

He took a minute to survey the board. “What do you think this secret passage is for,” he asked as she moved her knight.

“I assume for smuggling or some illicit affair,” she responded without modesty.

They were quiet for another long while as she seized many of his pieces.

Sidney adjusted in his chair. “So have you used my cabin every morning?”

“Yes.”

“And I never stirred?” he questioned, satisfyingly stealing her queen.

“No—you seemed, how do I put it, passed out. I actually even borrowed one of your books for a while. Heraclites, I put it back.”

Sidney was a bit excited that she had spent time in his room, looking at his things. It made him feel a bit less guilty about his spying. Perhaps she felt as close to him as he did her.

“Why him,” Sidney asked, trying to learn something a bit more personal.

“His ideas on the unity of opposites appeals to me,” was as much information as she’d give.

They focused on the match, not speaking for several minutes more.

“You can continue you know,” Sidney tried to catch her eye but she stayed focused on the board. “…continue to use my room to make your escape.”

“Thank you,” she raised her eyes to his and smiled. He instantly realized what she’d done. She sacrificed her queen to gain his king.

“Checkmate.”


	5. Alive

They began a regular routine. In the early morning he would usually feign sleep to let her pass and return from the deck undisturbed. Early afternoons they would play chess, then as dinner neared, they’d close the panel before Mrs. Worth arrived.

After a few days, they began to discuss the books they enjoyed, countries they longed to visit, and Sidney shared some of the lighter memories of his mother and father. In a few days more, there was easy although quiet laughter between them and a teasing nature about their matches. Sidney was most certainly the better player, but Miss Thompson had beat him heartily a handful of times.

While the setting was certainly intimate, each maintained the proper manners throughout their private matches—a routine Sidney was finding hard to continue. She typically kept her eyes on the board and more and more he found himself studying her face, the curve of her neck, the scoop of her dress and the way her breasts lifted and fell as the pace of her breath increased when she strategized a good move.

Although they talked for hours each day and he had started to reveal things about himself, Sidney still knew so little of her. He did not even know her Christian name. He had never spent so much uninterrupted time with a woman before, not even Eliza. He found himself thinking about Miss Thompson more—Eliza was no longer in his thoughts every hour, though she made her presence known to him every day, typically urging him to uncork another fine bottle of port.

When they’d part after their matches, Sidney would take to the deck, making his rounds and trying eagerly to engage with Mrs. Worth if she was there. He thought if he could just befriend her, he might gain some freedom for Miss Thompson. Occasionally, after Mrs. Worth had confirmed her ward was dressed for bed and secured in her room for the evening, Sidney and Miss Thompson would sit on either side of the closed panel and read to each other. But that was a newer happening and one Sidney truly enjoyed.

As he lay in bed the tenth night since he had found Miss Thompson’s ribbon, he tried to convince himself that his fascination with her must just be their physical closeness. He worked to believe that she was a wonderful diversion from Eliza, nothing more. Eliza was and would always be his true love. But then he realized he had not seen Eliza’s locket in days. He searched his pockets and quickly located it but didn’t remove it from its hiding place. He didn’t feel the need to. He instead rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes thinking how he had not dreamed of Eliza.

*****

Sidney awoke suddenly at what felt like midnight, breathless and aroused by his dream. Images of her body, of his lips on hers, her breasts and her welcoming look as he plunged himself into her flashed through his mind—it was not Eliza though, but Miss Thompson. It took him a moment to appreciate that he was fully erect—something he had not experienced in many months. He realized Miss Thompson’s bed was just on the other side of the wall—a thought that excited him more. He leaned back and stroked as he imagined her legs around him, her breasts pressed against his chest, her hands pulling him toward her—with each stroke he could see her and he spilled on his nightshirt.

He had not pleasured himself since the end of his engagement and any brothel visit was so blurred by drink he barely knew if he ever got his money’s worth. Now here, on this ship, he had the most exquisite experience by just thinking of Miss Thompson. He smiled to himself, then stopped, wondering if he had called her name or moaned in his dream. He knew she did not sleep much and became terrified—did she hear him?

He quietly made his way to the wardrobe and slowly opened the door. He looked through the crack and the room was dark and quiet. He could only hope she was fast asleep. He returned to his bed and quickly dozed off, satisfied.

*****

Sidney woke late the next morning, finding himself to again be fully aroused. After enjoying thoughts of Miss Thompson he decided he might make more of an effort that day. The beard he had been growing over the last several weeks needed to go and he carefully worked the razor as the ship made its way through the waves.

He donned a fresh shirt and vest and chose some new breeches he had not yet worn. He felt different, felt stronger as he awaited the knock at the wardrobe for their daily match. It was a half-hour past their typical time and there was no knock. He removed the table from the wardrobe and looked through the crack in the panel. The cabin was empty. He quickly grabbed his hat and cane, desperately hoping to find her on deck.

The sun was warm and he was uncomfortable in his wool jacket. They must be further south than he realized, he thought to himself. The deck was packed with passengers watching dolphins swim with the ship. He made his way through the crowd, trying to find her. With feelings of worry and frustration, he made his way to the dining hall. After an hour of searching, he returned to his cabin and went directly to the wardrobe door. He could hear her gently humming. Opening the panel he watched as she stood in her chemise, her back to him, combing her wet hair. He sighed in relief, letting the panel open wider. She turned quickly, the white cloth clinging her still wet skin. He could see the outline of her hips and her full damp breasts were visible through the thin fabric. The seconds he looked at her felt like hours as he memorized every curve. She reached for her robe and held it, trying to cover herself from his view.

“I’m sorry, please excuse me,” he stammered, averting his gaze. “I was worried, I couldn’t find you.”

She was breathing heavy and when he looked back at her, she was clearly shaken by his surprise entrance. “I’m sorry. They arranged a bath and I could not postpone. I had no way of letting you know.”

“You could not tell your governess to wait five minutes to write a note,” he asked, before thinking. His fear of not finding her turning more to anger that she did not consider his feelings.

“No, it was not an option. I’m sorry. Perhaps we can play tomorrow,” she looked down realizing her robe was not covering all that she intended and turned her back to him quickly.

“Yes, if I’m not too busy.” He loudly closed the panel hurt that his planned afternoon was ruined, sad that she hadn’t commented on his now clean-shaven face, angry that he cared about her, and aroused by the fact that she was even more beautiful than he had imagined.


	6. Friendship

Sidney awoke early the next morning, wanting to watch her escape to the deck, but she did not come and he felt even more rejected. He recognized the deep pain that emanated from his stomach—it was the same pain he first felt when Eliza passed him at a ball with her new fiancé. That feeling of being not enough ate at him every day for a year. It was a familiar ache that had left him for only a few weeks on this ship and now was back in full force.

“What a fool I am,” he said aloud. It was clear whatever closeness he was feeling was completely one-sided yet again. Feelings of failure closed in on him and he wondered how early was acceptable to open a bottle.

*****

That afternoon she knocked at their typical time and he set up the table and chess board without speaking. He had enjoyed nearly the entire bottle before she arrived and felt himself on edge, much like he did before he sought out a fight.

He would not let his eyes linger on her as they played—he didn’t want to let himself soften. They completed their first match in silence, with Sidney brutally taking the game in record time. A few moves into their second match, she quietly asked, “Why are you going to Antigua, Mr. Parker?”

“To escape a broken engagement,” Sidney said simply, amazed he had been so forthright but tired of all her superficial pleasantries.

Miss Thompson looked up. “I’m very sorry, Mr. Parker.”

She didn’t ask the details, but Sidney shared the facts in an accusatory tone. “It’s fairly simple. I misjudged things. I thought myself good enough, I told her I loved her, she told me she loved me then she broke our engagement to marry someone else—someone wealthy, old and established,” he looked up at her with a smirk. “It’s not a new story I’m afraid. It’s just a story of a fool, of a clown thinking he is more than he is and placing his trust unwisely.” He paused for a moment. “I believe it’s your move, Miss Thompson.”

She surveyed her pieces and looked back at him directly. “No, you are not a fool Mr. Parker. It sounds to me that you loved with all your heart and gave yourself fully. I think that makes you the wisest person I know.” She laid her hands on the sides of the table and kept his gaze. “Your intended broke her word. That is her failure—not yours. I believe your word is your bond. There is nothing more sacred.”

She paused for a moment. He could see that her eyes had spotted the near-empty bottle.

She shook her head slightly then continued, “you are only a fool if you have been wasting your time and have been indulging in self-pity. I know your world feels undone, but you will go mad if you live in self-doubt and regret,” she said almost too firmly for his liking. “I’m sorry if I speak too bluntly but you are young, and as you will soon realize when you arrive in Antigua, it’s a very full world of unimaginable things—scary and horrible but also beautiful and wonderful—and you should let yourself experience all you can.”

“Says the woman in the locked room,” Sidney snapped back, momentarily happy with his direct hit.

Her eyes turned immediately from friendly to disappointed. “You’re right Mr. Parker. I am the woman in the locked room. But you see I am not a man and I have no freedom to explore the world as you do. I have no fortune; I rely on the kindness of an uncle who possesses none and I am on my way to meet…” she stopped and stood up abruptly now with deep sorrow in her eyes. “Please excuse me. I’m afraid I have lost my interest in this game today Mr. Parker.”

She turned, moved her chair and put her hand on the panel to close it but paused. “If I were a man, if I were a gentleman like you, I would respect my past and learn from it and then confidently look for my next adventure and my next love. Stop being such a spoiled child. You have no idea what real sorrow is, what real pain is. You have all the riches of the world in front of you just because of your sex and your position and you don’t even realize it,” she said tearfully and closed the panel. 

Sidney sat shocked. He had never been spoken to in such a manner. Throughout all his turmoil over the last year, no one had ever made him feel like she just had—so self-indulgent and immature. He realized he knew nothing of her situation. What did she mean about her uncle? Why was she going to Antigua? He quickly removed the chessboard and table and unhooked the panel to enter her room.

“Mr. Parker!” she stood up from the bed, “you must leave.”

“No. You must tell me why you are going to Antigua and I want to hear everything now,” he brushed past her and sat on the edge of her bed.

“Please, I never know for sure when Mrs. Worth will come,” she said pleading.

“Then you must speak quickly,” Sidney stated slowly, articulating each word.

“You have no idea what danger you are putting me in by being here, or yourself,” she said, her face flushed and her pace was that of a caged animal.

Sidney just stared at her, his eyes demanding.

“Fine,” she said angrily. “My parents died when I was young and I was sent to Antigua to live with my godfather. That was very short-lived as my uncle petitioned to have me removed and put into his care in London. My uncle’s interest was never in me, it was only in gaining control of the estate, which he gambled away fairly quickly.”

Sidney looked at her sadly, but wanted to know more, “why are you going to Antigua?”

“I am meeting my supposed intended.” She paused and looked at him but could not meet Sidney’s eyes. “My uncle is indebted to him and I have given my word that I will meet with him, that is all, I have not promised to marry him,” she walked to the porthole and looked out, hugging her arms to her chest. “He knew me as a young girl when I visited my uncle and I learned he wanted to marry me then as a child. He has promised to erase my uncle’s debt if I agree to marry him now.”

“Why would you agree to go and even meet this man, this villain?” Sidney asked, rising and standing near her.

“I didn’t at first. I actually fled my uncle’s house a number of times—but had nowhere to go. I had few acquaintances as I was not allowed frequent access to many people beyond our immediate household. But I did try, I even sought the protection of the nuns, but I was returned to my uncle each time. He had cruel punishments, which I could take. But I had to comply when he had one of our servants—a young woman of just seventeen—beaten mercilessly. She was barely recognizable. I could not have anyone else hurt on my behalf,” she said, as tears streamed down her cheeks.

She wiped them away and steadied herself. “I am hoping that my godfather may be able to intercede on my behalf once I arrive in Antigua. I believe my uncle has been intercepting my post as my godfather hasn’t answered any letters from me in years and I am not sure if he is even still there,” she said the last part almost to herself. She turned and rested herself in her chair.

Sidney stood stunned at what he heard. He had a flashing thought, a hope really, that this was one of her plays. But one look at her and he knew it was not. He waited a long moment then asked softly, “What is your name?”

“Lillian, my name is Lillian.”

They were quiet a moment and then she looked into his eyes, “I’m so sorry. I should have never opened that panel, I should have never talked with you that first day Sidney, but I just so wanted to have a friend—someone good.” She shook her head, “I have brought you into something horrible. You need to leave here and forget everything, forget me.”

Hearing her say his name brought a rush of emotion and intense longing to protect her. He walked to her and knelt at her side. “Let me be your friend Lillian. Let me help you. I give you my word as a gentleman that I will do all I can. We can go to the captain now and explain…”

“No, Sidney we can’t,” she took his hands, “Don’t you see, in this situation you and I are the criminals. This is not London—we are headed to a land where my intended is very wealthy and has much influence. He has men on this ship that could do you great harm. Many men, even gentlemen, lose their lives on these voyages with little investigation. With the way you boarded this ship, they could easily call it suicide.” She squeezed his hands, confessing, “You must know, Mrs. Worth isn’t my governess—she is my keeper. Mr. Helmsley sent her along with his slave master and another man to bring me to Antigua. That is why I’m locked in here—they don’t want me speaking to anyone. Apparently, my honor is very important to him.”

“Tell me what to do,” Sidney pleaded.

“When we get to Antigua, I will give you a letter for my godfather detailing everything. Can you please find him quickly, right when we dock, and seek his assistance? I pray that he is still there. He was once a very powerful man and I know he can help.”

“Of course,” Sidney said, feeling so embarrassed at his miserable behavior earlier. His eyes looked to hers for some forgiveness.

“Until then, as you offered, be my friend. I know you must think it so silly, but this is the most freedom I’ve had in years—just being on this ship with you, talking with you, playing our chess matches,” she smiled sweetly. “I am not an accomplished woman—all I’ve really had are my books and my imagination—but I’ve so enjoyed being you and having you as my friend.”

Sidney lifted her hands to his lips and kissed them, promising, “I will be your friend, and more, always.” 


	7. A Future

After that day, Sidney and Lillian spent every moment possible together. They would secretly steal to the deck in the morning to watch the sunrise, they’d read together, play their matches and talk of dreams of the future. Neither had thought of a future before that voyage and now there was something to hope for. 

Mrs. Worth had completed her nightly check-in and Sidney and Lillian sat on the floor near the wardrobe panel reading—sharing interesting passages with each other. They had adopted a casual evening routine. Lillian dressed in her nightdress and robe—Sidney in his shirt and breeches. The easy rocking of the ship was increasingly becoming more intense and soon they could both hear the waves crashing against the bow. Sidney rose to secure the bottle of port he had opened for them to share, nearly falling when a wave hit with a thunderous roar.

“All passengers should secure all belonging, extinguish all lamps and take to their beds immediately,” was shouted throughout the corridor.

Sidney quickly stored the port and other belongings, extinguishing the lamp in his room. He made his way to Lillian to help her stow her books and blow out the lamps. They froze as they heard the key in the lock. The room was dark and Lillian pushed Sidney under the bed as she closed the panel door.

Mrs. Worth stood in the doorway. “Secure yourself, Miss Thompson. We have entered quite a storm and I will not tolerate you being hurt.” She waited until Lillian sat on the bed then she slammed the door and secured the lock.

Sidney emerged from his hiding place, breathing heavily from the fear and excitement of the situation. Another wave hit and Sidney lost his balance, falling into Lillian, pushing them both down on the bed.

“Did I hurt you?” Sidney was on top of her, trying to steady himself as the ship was tossed among the waves. He propped himself on his elbows, his torso pressed against hers, their legs intertwined. He could make out the curve of her cheek as he followed it to her eyes that seemed to sparkle even in the dark. He could make out her long lashes and desired to brush his lips against them and kiss her eyelids.

“No,” she breathed. He could feel the rise and fall of her underneath him and her heart race.

“Lillian,” he exhaled as he leaned his head to kiss her. It was a soft kiss, his lips lingering on hers, waiting for a response, but there was none. He raised his head and began to release her, but Lillian’s hands found the back of his neck and pulled him to her. She kissed him gently, taking his lower lip between hers. They looked at each other for moments and Sidney kissed her again with increasing passion, parting her lips with his tongue and finding a welcoming response. After several minutes, Sidney instinctively shifted his weight to his knees so he could stroke her neck and run his fingers through her hair. His other hand caressed her side, his fingers brushing her hips and the side of her breast.

The rocking of the ship increased the intensity of each kiss and touch, and hands moved more freely than intended. Sidney’s left hand was now caressing Lillian’s full breast and he could feel her nipple grow hard under the linen. She stroked his dark curls, her fingers pulling gently then releasing—every few moments saying his name. Driven to feel her, he used both hands to grasp and gather the thin materials of her nightclothes and raise them up until he found his way to her soft skin. He would not explore her sex just yet and instead brushed his hands up the side of her thighs, over her hips, returning to her breasts. He released her lips from his and traveled slowly down her neck to his intended destination, her sweet nipples. He gently sucked and licked, while she moaned quietly.

Sidney could feel himself increasingly become hard against her leg and he began moving his hands down her body to incite her passion so that she would welcome him into her. He abruptly lifted up, realizing that if they did not stop now, there would be no going back. He raised himself to face her as he draped her nightclothes back over her breasts and the soft dark curls that he was desperate to explore. They were both breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry,” he said. Looking in her eyes, he realized had never kissed a woman he cared about with such passion—Eliza had provided only brief, stilted kisses on the lips or cheeks. And he had never been with a woman—that he realized at that moment—he actually loved.

She raised her hand to his cheek. “Did I do something wrong,” she asked.

“No my darling,” Sidney pressed his lips into her hand and kissed it. “I lost control.”

He raised himself up to sit on the side of the bed, gripping the edges to steady himself as the ship continued to rock. “In a week we will be in Antigua and I will immediately go to your godfather and declare myself,” Sidney said staring into the dark room. He stood and found his balance. “I love you Lillian and I want…”

“Sidney stop. Please.”

He looked at her, wanting to light a lamp so he could see her expression more clearly.

“Yes, in a week we’ll be in Antigua. I know we’ve talked about the future. And if my godfather is even still alive then we may have a chance and we can have that future. All I know for certain is that I have one week of freedom left and I want to spend that week with you,” she extended her hand to him. “Give me a lifetime in this week.”

Sidney took her hand and kissed it lightly. He reached for her other hand and pulled her to his chest, leaning his forehead to touch hers. “I love you Lillian,” he said again, leaning in to kiss her softly. “I love you, Sidney,” she responded to his kiss and trailed her lips down his neck to the curve of his throat placing soft kisses as she went.

Running her hands over his muscular back, she found the hem of his shirt and lifted it over his head, leaving it on the floor. Her hands explored his chest and shoulders, her fingers teasing down his arms until they laced with his. He kissed her again, both of them hungrily probing each other’s mouths.

Sidney worked to keep his balance as he moved his hands to her sides to remove her clothing. He paused looking at her. In the shadows she knelt before him, and he slowly traced the curves of her hips and breasts with his eager hands.

She leaned back, inviting him to her. He lay to her side, his leg between hers and his again hardening cock against her thigh. He started to nuzzle her neck, kissing and licking while he caressed her waiting breasts. He found her lips again and kissed her passionately as his right hand stroked her back and he cupped her buttock pulling her to him. She let out a moan and again softly said his name. He moved his hand across her hip and let it rest on her soft black curls. She shivered and he looked into her eyes, awaiting permission. She kissed his lower lip and moved to suck the supple space under his ear.

He pressed lightly, rubbing his fingers against her soft skin, exploring, pressing and circling until he found her most pleasured spot. She let out soft sounds and he increased pressure and friction. She raised herself to his hand and he slowly inserted his finger into her while continuing to stroke with his thumb. His fingers were increasingly wet and glided easily across and in her. Her hands eagerly searched something to grab and she wrapped her fingers around the headboard, groaning deeply. He could feel her contract and then relax into the pillow. He kissed her on her cheek as she lazily opened her eyes.

Her look of pure pleasure caused blood to rush to his now pulsing erection. Sidney rolled on top of her, again looking at her for permission. She reached up her head to kiss him, playfully thrusting her tongue into his mouth and biting his lower lip. Sidney let out a soft moan and returned the kiss with double the force as he rubbed his tip across her curls. “Open your legs more,” he whispered and she complied, instinctively wrapping her legs around him.

He slowly inserted himself, looking at her to confirm acceptance. He continued inch by inch, pausing when she would squeeze his arm, resuming when her legs pressed into his back. The ship’s rocking combined with his increasingly powerful thrusts brought him to his ultimate satisfaction and Sidney collapsed to her side, their bodies both soaked in sweat.

He pulled Lillian to him and kissed her on her forehead. She nuzzled into him, and they both fell asleep.


	8. Reality

Sidney awoke at first light and the ship was now calm. Lillian slept soundly next to him. She lay naked on her back, her arms over her head looking like a renaissance painting, her breasts rising and falling with each peaceful breath. Her nightclothes lay on the floor in the corner of the cabin, Sidney’s at the edge of the bed. Suddenly Sidney heard movement in the hallway. He leapt from the bed, trying to wake Lillian. She did not stir as he silently grabbed his clothes and made his way through the panel as the key was entered in the lock.

Mrs. Worth entered, a plate of food in her hand. She slammed the plate on the desk loudly startling Lillian awake. She grabbed for the blanket to cover herself. “What is this you dirty, dirty girl,” Mrs. Worth grabbed Lillian’s arm, trying to pull the blanket away. “Have you been pleasuring yourself all night?”

Lillian pulled away, successfully covering herself and the proof of her and Sidney’s consummated relationship.

“Get yourself dressed. Mr. Samuel and I will be back shortly.”

She slammed the door and locked it. Lillian hurried to the door, placing her desk chair under the latch and Sidney rushed to her, pulling her to his chest. “I’m so sorry, I tried to wake you when I heard the footsteps my love.”

They embraced briefly when Lillian pushed him away. “You must get your bedding and replace mine quickly, please.”

Sidney stripped the bedding while Lillian dressed, returning with the sheets from his room. After adjusting the linens, he walked to her putting his hands on her shoulders as she pinned up her hair. “I’m sorry I could not wake you with gentle kisses my love.” He kissed her neck making promises of life-time love.

The sound of the key in the lock silenced them both and Lillian quickly pushed Sidney toward the panel. The chair she had under the latch would not hold them at bay for long.

“Promise me Sidney, give me your word,” she pleaded. “Do not enter this room.”

Sidney looked confused. “What’s happening? Why?”

“No matter what you hear, no matter what you see my love, do not make yourself known,” tears were in her eyes and she continued to beg. “I can take it. It’s happened before and if you interfere, it will be all the worse—worse than you can imagine for me and certainly death for you,” her eyes turning dark. “Give. Me. Your. Word,” she implored, now commanding.

“I promise, you have my word,” he said, scared at what he had just committed to. He secured the panel as Lillian removed the chair and the cabin door opened.

“I’m sorry,” Sidney could hear Lillian say, his face leaning against the wall of the wardrobe, watching her through the crack, his breath shallow. “I was about to change and wanted my privacy,” she stated meagerly.

Mrs. Worth entered and a large man followed and closed the door behind him. He was the man Sidney had seen her with weeks earlier on deck.

Mrs. Worth walked to the bed, stripping it, examining the sheets.

“I don’t care that there is nothing here—you are clearly a very dishonorable girl,” Mrs. Worth said flatly. “Any girl who takes pleasure from herself robs her husband of his right.”

“I have done nothing wrong,” she said weakly.

“You belong to Mr. Helmsley—all of you. You know you must be punished or you will never learn.” Mrs. Worth turned to look at the man said, “Twenty-one.”

Lillian turned around, leaned over and her hands gripped the back of the desk chair. Mrs. Worth unfastened Lillian’s dress and undergarments, revealing her back as the man removed his belt. Sidney could see the faded scars that couldn’t be more than a month old. He had not seen them in the dark the night before.

The loud crack of the leather against her back filled the room and Sidney prepared to rush through the door, stopping himself, remembering his promise, his word.

“One,” Mrs. Worth said, a slight smile on her lips.

The next stroke hit lower, and Lillian cried quietly in pain. Sidney held himself feeling helpless. He had to trust her but his fists had not been in a fight for several weeks now and tears began to stream down his cheeks as he tried to hold back the rage. The lashing continued and Lillian made not another sound until at nineteen she cried out as the buckle hit under her shoulder blade and slashed her skin.

Mrs. Worth looked at the man. “You fool! We have strict instructions not to cut her.” She paused for a moment, “wait for me outside,” she instructed.

“See what you get when you don’t follow the rules,” Mrs. Worth growled as she took a handkerchief and dabbed the blood. “You will not eat today,” she grabbed the plate of food she had left earlier. “Clean yourself up and think on your sin.”

As Mrs. Worth turned the key in the lock, Lillian crumbled to the floor. Sidney was at her side in two steps, placing his arms around her, trying not to brush her back. He grasped the handkerchief and continued to press lightly on her wound. Lillian let out another small cry and buried her head in her hands. “Please, don’t,” she said softly. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Why would you not let me stop them,” he questioned, astonishment his only feeling now.

“My love, they would have killed us,” she said through tears.

“I can fight, I can kill him,” he pleaded with her.

“You forget the man waiting outside the door—you’d be overpowered,” she lifted her hand to his cheek. “And I’m sorry Sidney, you are not a killer. I have seen cruelty and much darkness in the souls of men and women, and my dearest Sidney, whatever brute you believe you are, you are a good man, you are a good gentleman. Why do you think I had to talk to you on the deck that first day? I had never seen such goodness before and was uncontrollably drawn to it, drawn to you.”

Sidney stood then bent down and lifted her in his arms, placing her gently on her side on the bed. He kissed her lightly. “Let me care for you,” he said as he laid his hand on her shoulder.

He went to his cabin to fetch some cloth and the port. He poured her a glass, helping her lift her head to drink it. He then soaked the cloth in some, his eyes apologizing as he pressed it onto her wound. They sat for a long time that way. After the bleeding had ceased. He helped her remove her clothing then climb under the covers. He placed her dress on the chair then returned to tuck the blankets around her. “I’ll be back with some food. You rest.”

Sidney quietly closed the panel and fell to his knees in his room. What did he just see? What did he not do? He felt weak and sick, finally retching in his chamber pot. All he could do was the most basic thing. He gathered his coat and left the cabin in search of food.

He managed to find a healthy portion of bread and meat and returned quickly. He slowly opened the panel and found her asleep. Her dark hair partially covering her face.

He sat next to her on the bed, looking at her as she opened her eyes. “I have some food, sit up, you need your strength.”

“I’m too dangerous for you Sidney,” she whispered.

“I’m not leaving your side,” he said as he broke off a piece of bread and held it to her lips.


	9. Arrival

Sidney and Lillian stayed to their cabins as she regained her strength. His only outings were to gather food to supplement the meager rations Mrs. Worth delivered. They’d sit in silence – Sidney holding her in his arms, both knowing that Antigua quickly approached. His hope that he could quickly find her godfather was all he could cling to. He had informed the captain to send all his things to the hotel so he could immediately depart—confirming that he would handsomely pay for the immediate liberty. He stopped short of asking if he knew of Lillian’s godfather, worried that the captain may in some way be aligned with Mr. Helmsley.

Days before arrival, Lillian regained her strength and they became nocturnal creatures—making love throughout the night in Sidney’s bed, pledging their hearts to one other with each kiss, each stroke, each climax.

“I want to replace a memory,” she said stroking his hair as he lifted his head that was resting on her breast.

“I don’t ever want you to remember the lashing—so when your mind goes there, imagine instead we are on the beach running to the ocean, and you’re chasing me into the waves and the water is the most amazing blue. Imagine me laughing and happy and so much in love like I am right now,” she smiled, kissing him passionately.

“I won’t have to imagine, we will do that,” he responded with another passionate kiss.

*****

The next morning trunks were delivered to all passenger rooms for packing. While still another day until arrival, both welcomed the distraction of the routine task from the anxiety of tomorrow.

Sidney set up the chessboard for one last match. They played silently, holding hands. Neither would make a move to win—neither wanted it to end.

It was Lillian that realized the ship was no longer moving and she walked to the porthole. “We are anchored just outside the cove—I can see the dock in the distance. We’re early,” she said, panic in her voice.

Sidney walked to her and pulled her close. “We will put our plan into action. I will go again to the captain’s quarters to ensure I am confirmed for my immediate departure.” He brushed his lips across her forehead, pulling her closer to him.

She raised her face to him, “kiss me,” tears welling up in her eyes.

He leaned down, taking her face in his hands. He gently brushed her lips with his and tenderly kissed her with all the love he had for her. They held that embrace until she raised his hands to his, “know I love you my dearest Sidney, and I’ll love you forever.”

“I know my dear and I love you, forever.” He lifted her hands to his lips and kissed them. “I will go to the captain now. Perhaps I can get an early boat to the shore and we can have this settled before you even leave the ship.”

He departed her room, closing the panel between them.

It was a long wait to speak to the captain and Sidney began to lose patience. He finally confirmed his plans and was assured immediate departure upon docking. Assured that no one could depart until the morning, Sidney raced back to see Lillian. Upon entering his cabin he felt something was horribly wrong and quickly passed through the wardrobe. She and all her trunks were gone. He paced around the room, trying to find some sign of her.

Returning to his cabin, he spotted a letter on his pillow.

_My Dearest Sidney,_

_Mr. Helmsley has sent a skiff to collect me and I am off immediately. I’ve enclosed a letter to my godfather Mr. Lambe. He is, or at least was, the largest sugar plantation owner on the island. I believe that if he is here, many should know his name._

_If you do find my godfather, put all your trust in him as I know he will keep you safe._

_Sidney, no matter what happens, know that I love you. You have given me more life than I could have ever imagined._

_Yours forever,_

_Lillian_

Sidney rushed to the deck as the sun was setting and could see a small boat docking at the pier. It must be her; he must get ashore now.

He barged in on the captain, interrupting discussions. “Sir, I need to get ashore now,” he demanded. “I’m sorry Mr. Parker, the sun is setting and we have no clearance for ship departures until tomorrow morning—that is when we will officially dock at the pier.”

Sidney was furious, “I’ve seen people leave the ship sir and I really must go, it is a matter of life or death.”

The captain called over two men to join them, “Mr. Parker, I don’t know who you saw but no one has left this ship unless they swam and I have no time for this now. These men will see you to your room and you can leave immediately when we dock, first thing in the morning, as agreed.”

The two men, stood at Sidney’s sides, much larger and clearly much more skilled in fighting than he. Seething he returned to his cabin, realizing that the captain must be an associate of Mr. Helmsley.

*****

The minute the ship docked, Sidney raced from his cabin to the deck. At least the captain has kept his word on this point and allowed him a quick departure.

Sidney bound from the ship and found that a driver who most certainly knew of Mr. Lambe and agreed to deliver him directly. The ride was painfully slow and Sidney repeatedly beckoned the driver to make haste, incenting him with more and more payment.

Upon arrival at the main house, Sidney lept from the carriage before it stopped, throwing coins to the ground. He ran to the front door demanding immediate entry and audience with Mr. Lambe. “I have an urgent message from Mr. Lambe’s goddaughter. It is a matter of life or death,” was all he repeated over and over.

Sidney was quickly ushered into Mr. Lambe’s office. He was an older gentleman whose disheveled appearance could be explained by the empty decanter on his desk.

“I have an urgent letter from your goddaughter Lillian. We must act quickly if we are to save her,” Sidney passed him the letter, his hands shaking from lack of sleep and a rush of adrenalin.

Mr. Lambe looked at him sadly and took the letter. Opening it slowly…

_Dearest Godfather,_

_I hope this letter finds you safe and you are well. Please excuse my bluntness as I have little time to write._

_Before you is Mr. Sidney Parker, a fine and good gentleman who has won my heart and has given me only happiness and love._

_I confess I fear I have hurt him more than I ever intended. I have sent him to you on a fool’s errand. He believes that you can help save me from my fate, but you and I both know I am already gone and any interference by him in this matter would certainly bring his death. As I write this, Mr. Helmsley has sent a skiff for me and I expect that I will ignite his anger quickly. We are both aware of his cruel and despicable reputation and I have little hope that I will remain alive to see tomorrow._

_I know it has been long since we have conversed, but I ask you, dearest godfather, out of the love you had for my parents and I hope for me, please take Mr. Parker into your home and heart. He needs the care of a father to regain his strength, secure his confidence and set him on his future path._

_I know you are battling your own daemons and I believe that perhaps his goodness can inspire you and together you both will find peace._

_When you have confirmed word of my death, please provide Mr. Parker with the enclosed letter._

_All my love and eternal gratitude,_

_Lillian_

Mr. Lambe did not have to wait for any confirmation. He had already heard the news. He fell into his desk chair and offered Sidney a seat, but Sidney would not budge.

“We must go now. She is in great danger,” Sidney pleaded.

Again, Mr. Lambe asked him to sit and Sidney refused.

Mr. Lambe watched all the life drain from Sidney as he explained the report he received just that morning. Through tears, Mr. Lambe described that Mr. Helmsley and anticipated Lillian’s plans to contact him and had immediately ushered her to a church upon her arrival. Lillian had refused to take vows. According to witnesses, she said calmly to Mr. Helmsley that she had only given her word to meet him, not to marry him. She explained to him that she had already committed her heart to another man and would not be sold into any marriage—not for anyone’s debts. Mr. Helmsley was furious and hit her with such viciousness that he broke her neck.

The last thing Sidney heard was that Mr. Helmsley was in custody. His ears began to ring and everything went dark as he fell to the floor.

He awoke several hours later in a bright room painted yellow, the bed white and soft. Mr. Lambe sat in a chair next to the bed with a bottle of whiskey. He sat up and looked at Mr. Lambe, Sidney’s head still ringing.

“I’m so sorry my boy, I’m so sorry,” Mr. Lambe said, tears streaming from his eyes. “I had no idea what had been done to her, my poor girl,” he covered his eyes and wept.

Still confused, Sidney saw the letter on the side table with his name. He knew it was her writing. He grasped it gently and opened it.

_My Dearest Sidney,_

_Please do not think badly of me. I meant not to hurt you, only protect you._

_Know that you did save me. In our weeks together, I lived an entire life. And it’s your love that has given me the courage to fight until my last breath._

_I ask that you give your word to me that you will not seek revenge. Pledge to me that you will continue to live and never close yourself off to love. Your heart is stronger than you know. It may take time, trust yourself to know when it is right. Let your heart open to the woman who excites you, who surprises and frustrates you and challenges you to improve, and who kindles your passion and makes you laugh. She will come, I have no doubt._

_I know you feel lost right now and that your world is again in turmoil. I have sent you to my dear godfather. I deeply hope you have found him. You each have your battles and I believe together you can make each other stronger, better men._

_I love you my dearest friend and will for eternity. When you bathe in the sea, know that each wave is my embrace. Have courage and know you are a good man. I have no doubt you have a long and happy life ahead._

_All my heart,_

_Lillian_

*****

Sidney opened his eyes, wiping away the tears. It was later than he thought.

Lillian had been right. He trusted his heart and knew that without a doubt, his match had come along and he must go to see Charlotte no matter the hour. 

He took the quill in his hand and finished his letter to Lillian.

_…Miss Heywood is the woman you said would come. I think you would like her very much, my dear. I know that I must stop writing to you now and share all the thoughts of my heart only with her._

_Know that I love you and will always be grateful to you for saving my life and my heart._

_Yours always,_

_Sidney_

He sealed the letter and walked to the dresser where he removed a secured wooden box. He retrieved the key from his breast pocket and opened it, then ran his hands over the hundreds of sealed letters that Lillian would never read. He placed his last letter inside and locked the box.

No one living knew of their story and it had become so much easier for Sidney to let Babington, Tom, and all the others believe that Eliza was the cause of his years of anger and pain. Sidney considered that perhaps one day he would share the story of Lillian with Charlotte—perhaps he’d let her read the letters. That would come in time. There was much to do before that could happen.

Sidney placed the box back in the dresser and walked out the door to find Charlotte—knowing exactly what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll keep trying to get better.  
> Have a great day!


End file.
